Jul 10, 2007
My lack of blogging
I long to love God the way I see others love Him. Like Tozer said, "O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee,..."
I am so consumed with myself and worldly things lately, that I've really been struggling to let go of my sin. And I am reminded each day how wretched and filthy I am. I hate that I am so luke warm at times and so numb when I sin. I wish I hated it more! I wish I loved Him more.
Sometimes I leave church and I wonder how I can call myself a Christian? I'm always putting on an act or laughing at certain sins, when I should be falling on my knees in confession and weeping that it was I who put Christ on that Tree.
I don't know. I've just felt sad and lonely. I desperately want children and I don't know how to keep a positive attitude day after day. I find myself constantly wanting to buy this or that, because I want to fill that void and the pain of not having what I want. The thing is, I don't deserve anything I have, nor do I deserve children. And I cannot control these cravings, so I just indulge to make myself feel better. That's where I am at, at least at the moment, and why I cannot even think of a thing to write about.
I am praying that I would not only know He is sufficient, but would truly experience His sufficiency. I know the different attributes of God, but do I really believe them with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength? I pray He will give me the feelings...the desires to love Him and glorify Him in all that I do and say, that He might be my only delight and joy.