Jul 10, 2007

My lack of blogging

I long to love God the way I see others love Him. Like Tozer said, "O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee,..."

I am so consumed with myself and worldly things lately, that I've really been struggling to let go of my sin. And I am reminded each day how wretched and filthy I am. I hate that I am so luke warm at times and so numb when I sin. I wish I hated it more! I wish I loved Him more.

Sometimes I leave church and I wonder how I can call myself a Christian? I'm always putting on an act or laughing at certain sins, when I should be falling on my knees in confession and weeping that it was I who put Christ on that Tree.

I don't know. I've just felt sad and lonely. I desperately want children and I don't know how to keep a positive attitude day after day. I find myself constantly wanting to buy this or that, because I want to fill that void and the pain of not having what I want. The thing is, I don't deserve anything I have, nor do I deserve children. And I cannot control these cravings, so I just indulge to make myself feel better.
That's where I am at, at least at the moment, and why I cannot even think of a thing to write about.

I am praying that I would not only know He is sufficient, but would truly experience His sufficiency. I know the different attributes of God, but do I really believe them with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength? I pray He will give me the feelings...the desires to love Him and glorify Him in all that I do and say, that He might be my only delight and joy.


Shane said...


Keep it up. God never said there wouldn't be dark moments, times, days, weeks, even months. Soemtimes years. It is in these moments we grow our character - we demonstrate to God that our faith isn't a passing fad, and we can cling to Him even when our flesh rebells.

Nate said...

Samantha, I have not been to your blog in a long time. Not since I said that I would not write again. The frustration that I felt for you was not that you had a belief different from mine, but that it was obvious to me that you were not comfortable with your own beliefs. God puts a longing in people to find what is right for them. To find that comforting and merciful God. To illustrate, I will give a comparison. When Shaquel O'Neil tucks his children in bed at night, or hugs his wife, do they say how soveriegn he is over his house or how powerful he is as a man? No, the kids say my father gives me the most gentle and loving good night kisses. His wife says, that he enfolds me in his arms, and makes me feel safe. God is all of those mighty and powerful things, but most of all, he is a wonderful father that will always hold you tight, love you, and make you feel special that you are his. If you are not feeling that. Do not go any where else but ot him for the answer. Pray what ever you feel in your heart. Whether you think it is respectful or not. Just be honest with him, and he will be honest with you. I have seen the flame of your faith burning bright, do not let it be the light of a shooting star that will burn itself out because you feel that you can never measure up. You are God's child, and fathers love their children no matter what, even when the children don't turn out to be the professionaly athlete they wanted. Most of the time they are more than happy with someone who loves them and calls them father.

Samantha said...

Thanks Shane for the encouragement. Something someone reminded me of the other day is that Christ doesn't want to change my circumstances (necessarily) but wants to change me DESPITE my circumstances!!! :)


Thanks for visiting again.