Jun 27, 2007

Excuse my profanity

If you've stopped by my blog recently, you've probably noticed that it looked something like crap. Is crap a bad word?

All I was trying to do was to see what another template would "look" like and I ended up deleting tons of stuff! So now I have to go back, find the different blog rolls I was on and find their code....blah blah blah. So on top of this horribly bad thing (I know it's not horrible, but I was pretty mad) my car stalled on the freeway, I found out I had to change my work hours and we can't take the vacation I've been so excited to go on!

So I've been very angry. I've been mouthing off at work, having a bitter attitude with everyone I talk with, and I really wished I still smoked so I could just feel that nicotine calming me down. What's so difficult is that I know that everything I am describing is incredibly sinful. But while I know this, I just don't want to care. I want to say, "Screw it! Screw you! Screw everyone! I don't care about anything anymore!"

I was telling one of my sisters at church about this, and she said, "...sounds like you are angry at God, Samantha."

Huh?

It's hard for me to take rebuke, but indeed, I needed it. I was angry at God. In fact, I'm still confessing that anger to Him. I am angry at my circumstances...at the discipline He's been showering on me. I don't mean discipline like "You sinner, I am going to cause your car to break down because you are a bad, bad girl!" No, not that. Discipline as in shaping and molding me more and more like Christ THROUGH the difficult circumstances He's allowed. He could easily zap me with patience and love, but instead, He's chosen to refine me in the most loving way possible: by showing me how badly I need Him; how badly I need the Gospel....how badly I need a Savior! The greater a sinner I see myself, the more lovely I see Him and see my dependence of Him!

So right now, I praise the LORD that He brings strife and trials into my life. I know He loves me. And I pray that one of these days I'll believe that will all my heart.

9 comments:

Trin said...

Google cache still has the old version of your page -- I think it might be lacking some images -- but with that you can at least see the things you were linking to so you don't have to rebuild those from memory alone. You can view it here.

For reference you can pull up Google's cached version of most any page by searching for:
cache:[full URL here]
So for instance, I got the above link by searching for:
cache:http://carryyourcandle.blogspot.com

Hope that helps some,
Josh

ann_in_grace said...

Aaah... I do not want to say anything now... Poor Sam....

Samantha said...

It's pathetic. I know! :P

Laurie said...

“Consider it all joy, my brethren (sister :) ), when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4

“Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.”
James 1:12

I wish the Lord could find other ways to perfect and complete us...but what He does He does justly! You are not alone in your struggles or trials Sam...I and every other believer share in them right along with you..and it's so good to receive encouragement from one another knowing that our encouragements come from imperfect and incomplete humans who are right where you are. Seeking to draw closer to Jesus..sharing in His sufferings also! :)

I love you and continue in prayers for you,
Laurie

Samantha said...

Thank you for the encouragement Laurie! I needed it.

I miss you! Glad to hear from you sis :)

Samantha said...

Thanks Trin :)

Shane said...

It is easy to hate truth isn't it?

It is moments like that when I realize I am hating truth that I marvel that anyone believes in God at all. I mean, I am still capable of that, even thought I know Him. How much more do unbelievers hate truth?

Good to see you're getting through it. Don't sweat the blog. It will take care of itself. (By the way, I hate blogger. I switched to wordpress and have never looked back.)

Talk..to..Grams said...

Wow! it is hard sometime! I have a special needs daughter who just turned 45 this week and she sure keeps the whole family refined!!!
She says the same thing over and over and over all day long. She has lupus real bad now and is unable to work at the sheltered work shop.She worked there for almost 19 years!! So she is home all day now! and we just pray for Grace each and everyday! and GOD is so good to supply it! But there are times when I almost go over the edge!!!!!
But this blogging has really been a blessing, meeting so many new friends. It a real outlet when you are almost shut-in
Grams

Samantha said...

Shane-

What you said is so true! What a gracious and loving God to continually forgive us in our greatest sins!

Hi Grams!

It seems to me that in the greatest times of trials and sorrows, that we see His Hand even more! My favorite quote that gets me through difficult times: When God lays men upon their backs, then they look up to heaven. -Thomas Watson