My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3.5 years. It has been difficult, especially when I see moms with their kids, or families at church, women that are pregnant....it has definitely caused a great deal of sin in my heart.
If only I could be totally satisfied with Christ. I know I can be, and should be, but at times I feel so jipped. So many women today are getting abortions, or are terrible mothers, and here I am, a woman who has this godly desire to be pregnant, but God has not opened my womb! It makes me want to scream and throw myself on the floor.
I've tried bargaining with God too. "LORD, if you allow me to get pregnant, I promise I will train our child in godliness!"
"I'll be submissive! I'll read my bible everyday!"
"I'll be a better woman!"
How quickly I have forgotten the Gospel!!
In every situation, I've been exhorted to ask, "How can I apply the Gospel to this situation?"
Well, first and foremost, I deserve nothing but hell. For that reason alone, I should be rejoicing every single moment of every single day that God loved me with a great love, so great that He sent His Son to die for my sins! And not just some of my sins, but in fact, the very sin of desiring a baby more than Christ.
And for Christians, during these trials, we have so much more hope than the unregenerate man. Our inheritance is not here, where moth and rust destroy, but in heaven. And every time we are awakened to see our sin more clearly, we know that we can repent of it and turn our eyes back on Christ!
Praise God that His Spirit awakens me to see the corruption of my heart.
4 comments:
Wow. Reading this post made me feel as though I was reading the thoughts of my own heart 5 years ago. My husband and I struggled with infertility also.
I'm ashamed to admit that I was of very little faith at the time and I was angry with God. I'm thankful for his grace and love, because now I can see the path that his Perfect Plan lead me down. Had he granted my heart's wish at the exact moment I asked - I would have missed so many important lessons. Through it all - one verse in particular spoke to my heart.
James 1:3 says, "Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience."
The patience I gained through that trial helped me to always lean on God first instead of my own understanding. His plan is perfect. But He still hears our cries and frustrations and wants you to talk to Him. He is faithful to those who serve him.
May God bless you and your husband. Although God may not answer your prayer in the exact way you ask - His plan will be fulfilled in a way that is exactly what you need. Hang in there - I know how tough it is.
Thank you for your prayers :) It's very encouraging when other people understand what I am going through :)
Samantha,
I'm glad you found my blog - I hope it helps in the least to know you are not alone!
I've screamed at God in anger, protest, and everything in between. I know exactly how you feel. Yet, He still waits for me to be done screaming and like a loving Father, says,"remember I am with you always". You're in my prayers!
Sisters in Christ,
Mandi
Oooh, I was reading through your testimony, it is heavy to be in a situation where you can't close your eyes and escape it. But there still hope that, as you promised as your faith is! Unless if God wished to use you in a such state otherwise he will not let you feel always down.
Revelation 3:8 "I know your works. See, I have set before you an open door, and none can shut it; for you have a little strength, have kept My word, and have not denied my name."
May the peace of our Lord Jesus fill your heart.
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