My Testimony

I was baptized as an infant into the Catholic Church.  I received all of the required sacraments, and thought that I was right with God based on what I did for Him.  I still remember the day I went to Reconciliation for the first time: I told my mom I didn’t think I had any sins to confess.  I thought I was a good person and had no idea how incredibly depraved I really was.  I had heard all of my life that Jesus died for my sins, but as a child and into my teen years, I did not really understand that Jesus died for my sins.

One day, God put Michael (my husband) into my life.  He loved God and openly spoke about how important his relationship with God was.  I fell in love with Michael quite quickly and was astonished to find out that He loved God more than he loved me.  This hurt – a lot.  I realized at that moment that the god I worshiped and the God Michael worshiped were quite different.

I started reading the bible everyday trying to understand who this God was that Michael worshiped and loved so much.  We spent many evenings talking about God – I was stubborn though and didn’t understand what was so wrong with my previous beliefs.  After a lot of discussion and prayer, we agreed that the bible should be the sole source of our truth; this changed my life.  God opened my eyes slowly; every single day I learned something new – a new truth, and even truths I had previously heard but now became true in my heart. 

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 1:18, we are “being saved” and sanctification is an ongoing process.  I mention this because I am unsure to the exact day that I was saved – there have been many eye-opening moments.  One specifically comes to mind though that I am sharing below:

I happened to come upon a Christian online forum (StudyLight) where various theological discussions were taking place.  I would log-on every day and participate in many of the forum topics (I tended to enjoy the topics that were highly debated!).  One day, however, God felt far away from me.  I had been asking Him “into my heart” as I thought I should, but He didn’t seem to be acknowledging my prayer.  I shared my frustration with some people on the board asking them if there was something more I could do to feel God.  One of the board members asked me, 

“Well, what do you think you should do?”

I responded by saying, “Well, I think I need to read my bible more, pray more, maybe fast or…listen to more sermons?”

He said, “So in other-words, you need to do something to gain His forgiveness? His presence?  Samantha, do you not realize that HE did it all?  You cannot work for your salvation.  He saved you.  You cannot do anything to make things right – He did it all on the cross.”

It was at that moment that the cross became alive! It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes and for the first time I believed “Jesus died for MY sins!” I remember sitting at my computer and thinking, “DUH!”.  All my life I had heard that Jesus died for me, but HE really DID die for ME, didn’t He?! Suddenly, I had a new zeal for my life: my life wasn’t mine, it was His.  I hated my sin; I started to see how truly vile and filthy I was.  My supposed righteousness was a dirty rag to Him.  How could I repay the Creator of the Universe when “In Him we live and move and have our being!”? (Acts 17:28)

I wish I could tell you that I now have great faith and love for God – but I don’t.  I struggle every single day to believe He is who He says He is, and that He loves me and that He does “all things for my good” (Romans 8:28).  He has used many trials to humble me and to sanctify me.  After each trial, I see Him more clearly – but then I forget all that I had learned and start to run away again – and then He allows another trial and the cycle starts all over again.  I often wonder if I will ever get it.  What I have learned though is that He is faithful and true, and despite all of my unfaithfulness, He has never left me.  He really does love me – how can that be?  How can it be that the Creator of the Universe loves me and died for me?  What did I do to deserve such a God?  I ask myself these questions all of the time and am fondly reminded by Him that He did it for His glory and His fame.  To God be the glory forever and ever.  Salvation belongs to our God!

                 

The Bible and the pain of infertility

Contentment

I am content. By God's grace, I am content. I have enough. I have Him and I have my family. I don't need to have a child to make me happy; I can be happy and am happy knowing that I have Christ. And He is all I need.

Prayer

On Wednesday evenings, we had the opportunity to join with other believers and pray. I often thought, "Ugh, I don't really get much out of this. I can pray at home!" I knew my thinking was selfish, but I was busy. But of course, God corrected my thinking by leading me to a Piper sermon about why should we pray with other believers, and exhort them to pray for us:


2 Corinthians 1:11
You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.

So you mean, it's not about me? It's about God! We pray for others and tell others our requests so that when our prayers are answered many give thanks to God. So it is about His glory and Him receiving praise!!

Psalm 34:17-18

"The righteous cry, and the LORD hears

And delivers them out of all their troubles.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

My friend quoted this verse to me when I found out our insurance company does not cover InVitro Fertilization.

I guess it wasn't in the LORD's plans. At least, not now. I am feeling much more at peace about it thankfully, but I definitely went through a mourning period. Not a godly mourning, more of a selfish kind. But I am thankful today because Christ has softened my heart towards His will. And knowing that my life is under His great sovereignty and control is wonderful. How can I ask for more?

Applying the Gospel

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 3.5 years. It has been difficult, especially when I see moms with their kids, or families at church, women that are pregnant....it has definitely caused a great deal of sin in my heart.

If only I could be totally satisfied with Christ. I know I can be, and should be, but at times I feel so jipped. So many women today are getting abortions, or are terrible mothers, and here I am, a woman who has this godly desire to be pregnant, but God has not opened my womb! It makes me want to scream and throw myself on the floor.

I've tried bargaining with God too. "LORD, if you allow me to get pregnant, I promise I will train our child in godliness!"

"I'll be submissive! I'll read my bible everyday!"

"I'll be a better woman!"

How quickly I have forgotten the Gospel!!

In every situation, I've been exhorted to ask, "How can I apply the Gospel to this situation?"

Well, first and foremost, I deserve nothing but hell. For that reason alone, I should be rejoicing every single moment of every single day that God loved me with a great love, so great that He sent His Son to die for my sins! And not just some of my sins, but in fact, the very sin of desiring a baby more than Christ.

And for Christians, during these trials, we have so much more hope than the unregenerate man. Our inheritance is not here, where moth and rust destroy, but in heaven. And every time we are awakened to see our sin more clearly, we know that we can repent of it and turn our eyes back on Christ!

Praise God that His Spirit awakens me to see the corruption of my heart.